So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This is classic penis vs brain.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
