I will die if light touches me.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
