How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
there is glitter all over my balls
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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