remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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