So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize