oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
