the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
well you can't waste a boner
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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