I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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