1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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