FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If its not for food we ain't going out.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
