She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
