Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
