I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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