I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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