I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
