Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
