i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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