Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
