White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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