My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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