my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
