My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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