i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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