Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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