Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
