i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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