i permit you to call me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
