Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
