i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
