You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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