I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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