last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
