Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
