I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I understand Curling. That high.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
