New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
