turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
