I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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