Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize