The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
