I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
