I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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