I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize