We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize