My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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