I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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