my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I wear drunk well.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
