I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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