I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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