I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
