Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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