If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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