We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
