Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
