It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
