She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
