i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
