I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
