she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
