Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
