I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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