her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
