if i can run in heels then i can drive
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
