Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
