You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
