this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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