I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
