One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
