gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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