just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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