Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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