TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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