You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
